Helping Young Children Deal with Feelings

by Ursula Ansbach
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“You’re not the boss of me! I won’t go clean my room right now!" “That’s the blue blouse. I want the red one!" “This sphaghetti looks like somebody else already ate it!" “She hit me first. I never touched her once!" “I hate this dumb place and I never want to go back here again."

Sound familiar? Most of us are pretty familiar with this kind of talk. How we deal with it affects our children more profoundly than we might know.

There is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave. When they feel right, they’ll behave right.

But feeling right doesn’t happen as a result of the typical reaction of most adults to these situations. What’s typical? How about these:

“I’m going to count to five and by that time you’d better be cleaning your room!" “Wear the red one, it looks better on you." “It took me an hour to cook that sphaghetti and you’ll eat what I put on the table." “I saw you hit her." “It’s not nice to say this is a dumb place and you need to apologize."

We’ve all given these or similar responses. And what was the outcome? Stomping to her room; grumpy about wearing the red blouse. Eating three strands of sphaghetti and playing with the rest. And so on and so on. What we need to realize is that we just put ourselves in a power struggle that we will inevitably loose. And in the process our children feel rebellious and angry. It’s a loose-loose situation.

So what do we do instead?

First of all, don’t deny your child’s feelings. Feelings are feelings are feelings. Just because we want them to change doesn’t make them change.

Instead, listen to your child’s feelings with full attention. Then acknowledge what you hear. That’s all. Just listen and acknowledge.

Second: give the feelings a name. Young children often are overwhelmed by feelings and don’t know what’s happening to them. Giving a name to the feeling helps the child identify and have a sense of control over it.

Finally, try to give your child their wishes in imagination asmuch as it’s possible.

For example, consider this conversation between mother and child.

“I don’t want this sphaghetti – it looks yukky!"

“You really don’t like that sphaghetti! You don’t like the way it looks."

“No. I want a cheeseburger. I love cheeseburgers."

“I hear how much you want a cheeseburger."

“Ya. I like it with tomatoes."

“I really wish we had cheese burgers. If I had a magic wand I’d make them appear right now, with tomatoes on them."

“Ya. And with lettuce and ketchup."

“With lettuce and ketchup. And mustard for me."

“Can we have cheeseburgers tomorrow?"

“Maybe tomorrow or on Friday!"

“Ok. I guess I can eat some sphaghetti tonight."

Your child has expressed her feelings and heard yours. You’re a team now instead of fighting each other.

Here’s an example of giving your child a word for those feelings. Your child has just come home and told you that she was being yelled at by her teacher in front of everybody. After listening to her story, label the feeling you hear her expressing.

“Ms. Jackson yelled at me in front of everybody and I didn’t take the pencil, honest."

“You feel really bad about that. That must have been embarrassing!"

“Ya. I wanted to hide in the bathroom!"

Your child feels heard and understood and she has your support. The situation is manageable and she is not alone.

This process takes a little practice. Try reading the following scenarios and, using our suggestions, decide what you would say and how you would label the feeling involved.

1. I’d like to sock that Andy right smack in his head!

2. Just because it snowed today we had to stay inside. My teacher is so mean.

3. Mary is gonna move away and she’s my best friend!

One hint: resist the temptation to make it all better right away. That just takes the problem away momentarily but doesn’t solve anything in the long run. It may distract for the moment but doesn’t deal with the feelings that remain undealt with. Those feelings will just pop up again later.

The next time your child has strong feelings about a situation, determine to try our three steps and be ready to see the difference!

In summary: when we acknowledge feelings instead of denying them, we help children understand and deal with the feelings they experience. Our children know that they have our support and they are not alone. As a result children feel better about themselves and the world around them and their behavior reflects these feelings. Adults and children are both in a win-win situation.

Article submitted Sunday, November 07, 2010 & read 143 times.

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