How Can You Say No To This Face?

by Laura Barney
CLA Consulting

Some of our kids are endowed with special powers. Powers of persuasion, powers of influencing, powers to see solutions where seemingly non-existent, and powers of perseverance against all odds. These are not necessarily bad things. They can be very useful as adults and are usually possessed by leaders vs. followers.

However, since we are their parents, it is up to us to help them learn how and when to use these powers. The bad thing for us is that we get the brunt of their practicing experience and while we certainly don’t want to squelch these characteristics, we want them to understand that sometimes, the answer is “no" or that “no, we are not going to change our mind" or “yes, we are going to go through with the consequence". Given their level of expertise in the area of persuasion and/or the level of passion for their desire, this may be easier said than done.

I am here, however, to tell you to let your no be no. In my case, it was my youngest son, Andrew, who wanted to see how strong I was and/or how strong he was. Following through on keeping my word, either about what they could or couldn’t do or about consequences was not something that was easy for me or that came naturally. On some level I knew it was important to follow through, but I remember waffling frequently until one day, my oldest son, Joshua, made the following statement and following conversation ensued.

“Mom, you must really hate Andrew."

“What?!! Why would you say that?! How could you say that?!"

“Well…you let him get away with murder. You are creating a monster and no one is going to like him."

I realized then and there that I needed to pay special attention to what I was doing with Andrew, lest I create a monster. I saw the big picture and realized he was exactly right and that the way I was behaving was in direct opposition to the goal I had in mind for my son Andrew. It was all the encouragement I needed and I have never forgotten that.

I have now also realized that the consequences of not following through are huge! Children of parents who do not keep their word become huge risk takers. Children are very observant and learn quite quickly that their parent(s) has the tendency to “cave in". They are also very good at analyzing data and making projections with that data. They do this to determine what their chances are of getting away with things. They soon learn that they have say a 50/50 chance or a 70/30 chance or an 80/20 chance. Pretty smart kids we have….aren’t they?!

One problem with this is that they learn to take risks and as they grow up, these could be life-endangering risks…..besides….they might get caught or they might not get caught. These risks could range from speeding, to running red lights, to experimenting with drugs/alcohol/sex, stealing, lying, etc., etc.

Another problem is these children turn into adults that do not trust people. Like I said these kids are very smart and they figure out that if they can’t trust their parents, they surely can’t trust anyone else. I’m sure we can all think of scenarios where not trusting people is not conducive to healthy friendships, relationships, marriage, business partnerships, etc. Not trusting people also results in not asking for help when help is needed.

Finally, another result of “giving in" is that they do not learn to obey which equals having no respect for authority, (ranging from God to parents to employers) which in turn produces teenagers and/or adults who struggle with responsibility.

As if all of the above were not bad enough, there is yet another result which I consider extremely sad. Sad because children whose parents do not follow-up consistently are not motivated. They are not motivated to try their best – at home, at school, and/or at work. Why should they bother, if their parents might or might not notice that their homework got done or that the chores got done?

If you are looking to raise God-fearing kids, kids who respect their parents and kids who are gainfully employed, so I urge you to think about the results of your actions the next time they wear you down and you feel tempted to give in to their persuasive power.

Article submitted Friday, October 22, 2010 & read 53 times.

Laura Barney received her Master's in Public Health from Loma Linda University in 1997. Since then she has worked in the HIV/AIDS field in various capacities ranging from health educator to an administrator for the County HIV direct services to a pharmaceutical sales representative to currently a Virology Clinical Consultant with Monogram Biosciences, a company that specializes in blood tests that assist physicians to provide individualized care for each of their patients.

Her passion, however, is for the health - both emotional and physical -- of families and children, in particular. Helping parents help children is how she likes to think of it. In 2002 she developed a parenting curriculum which included many of the lessons she has learned along the way as the mother of three sons, Joshua - 24, Matthew - 17 and Andrew - 15.

www.howsyourlovecup.blogspot.com

www.comidasanafamiliasana.blogspot.com

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» left by Jennifer Stewart (1 year 193 days ago.)

Your oldest son is very astute! My mother never put boundaries down with my brother and he hasn't grown up to be a monster, but close! He has no concept of having to take responsibility for his own actions. And you're right, it doesn't help him. It makes it harder for him to face the truth.
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