Satirically Yours # 7: Professor Sidebottom
by Morris Inch(4)Professor Sidebottom prided himself on being a self-made person. One of his students cynically observed, "At least this takes God off the hook." The professor was not in the least intimidated by such demeaning remarks. He felt that his tenure status would stand him in good stead should push come to shove.
As the erudite instructor entered his classroom, a hushed silence fell over the assembled students. "Before I begin, I have something to say," he alerted them. "Of course, after I begin, I will also have something more to say." At this, a faint hint of amusement crossed his face. The class indulged his effort at humor strictly out of courtesy.
"Now that you are students, life is greatly simplified," he assured them. "Since you are students, you will study. Since you are students, you will get adequate rest—but not during my lectures. Since you are students, you will eat properly and exercise regularly." Pausing momentarily, he inquired: "Are there any questions?"
"No, professor Sidebottom," the students chorused.
"Now for matters at hand," he continued. "Mary had a little lamb, and its fleece was white as snow."
"Note the redundancy," he pointed out. "Mary had a little lamb. Pray tell, what other kind of lamb would there be? We are thus alerted to the work of a redactor." Not satisfied with his initial discovery, he pointed out that the person was likely not familiar with a herding culture.
"How insightful," gushed a young lady sitting in the front row. Needing a good grade to pull up her average, she was determined to make a favorable impression.
Most of the students were not so easily persuaded. "It seems a common expression," one of them remarked. He had in mind the notion of Occam’s razor, which is to opt for the simplest solution.
The professor chose to ignore this challenge. "Mary had a lamb," he concluded, "which by definition is small."
"How interesting," enthused the apple-polisher in the front row. Whereupon, she raised her skirt a bit so that more of her shapely legs were showing. The professor attempted not to show his appreciation.
"His fleece was white as snow," Sidebottom quoted at greater length. "We are thus assured that the redactor was from a frigid climate."
"I would have thought that even persons in the tropics would know about snow," his detractor protested.
Relying on a standard rejoinder, the academic replied: "When I want your opinion, I will tell you what it is." This solicited calculated laughter.
"It seems to me that this is an instance of racial profiling," speculated a conscientious student in the second row.
"Splendid point!" the professor exclaimed. Whereupon, he pointed out the unfortunate racial implication of referring to someone as a black sheep.
"Historical events are recorded by the victor," the professor further observed. "As a result, they can’t be accepted at face value, and we must be alert to conspiracies."
"How then can we know what actually happened?" a puzzled student in the back row inquired. "Or, in fact, whether anything of the sort transpired?"
"Since we have come of age with the arrival of modernity!" the professor exclaimed. "Hence, we are no longer under the tutelage of the gods, and can happily reason for ourselves." This brought to mind his earlier comment, "I hope there is no god, so I can be eligible."
Sidebottom meant to move the discussion on to more substantial matters. "Mary and the lamb assuredly draw on arch-types," he observed.
The students, without exception, either looked off into space or glanced at one another. In this manner, they meant not to return the gaze of their mentor, thus inviting him to call on them.
After a momentary pause, the instructor proposed that Mary might stand for the instructional staff, and the lamb as a corporate designation for the student body. The former were to provide good role models, while the latter were to relish their educational opportunities. "Of course," he allowed, "alternative possibilities are virtually limitless."
Just then the bell rang, signaling the end of the period. The professor pulled himself erect, and returned the notebook to his briefcase. Most of the class bolted for the door, jostling one another in the process. A few lingered to collect their thoughts or converse with one another.
Some made their way to the student union. There they secured a diet soda, and sat down to talk with friends. Their conversation revolved around mutual interests, such as the NFL or current styles in clothing. Few thought to discuss the previous class session.
Meanwhile, the professor deliberately made his way to the faculty lounge. It served as a welcome sanctuary for beleagured members of the faculty. "Hi there," a younger faculty member greeted his weary associate. "How goes it?"
"Goes what?" he inquired, so as to call attention to the ambiguity of the question.
"There you go," came the enthusiastic rejoinder.
Since the elder took this to be a juvenile response, he chose not to purse the matter. If the truth were known, he was already incensed that the junior professor had obtained an early promotion. He thought this confirmed the adage that it is not what you know but who you know that pays off.
"Excuse by back," Sidebottom said as he turned away. "And excuse my front," he added upon reflection. "I can’t do much about either."
"There you go," the youthful instructor repeated himself, with an appreciative chuckle and at a loss for a more creative rejoinder.
Thereafter, the senior professor made his way to the convenience bar that graced the faculty lounge. There he soon became engulfed in a lively discussion of literary criticism. This allowed him to repeat some of the observations he had made in class, and note certain of the more favorable student responses.
It was with mixed emotions that he determined to call it a day. He had driven his car to school, although this was not his usual practice. He now trudged home. Arriving at his domicile, he noted that the automobile was inexplicably missing and inquired of his wife if she had taken it in for repairs. In response, she pointed out that he had just enough time to return to campus and retrieve the vehicle before partaking of the evening meal. The memory challenged academic sheepishly complied.
While this concluding episode may seem an unlikely scenario, it assuredly is not. How do I know? Because I had an identical experience.
Article submitted Wednesday, July 21, 2010 & read 287 times.
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