Lonely? Dissatisfied? Selfish?

by Erisa Rei Kopp
Erisa Rei Kopp

Somehow, although I have 5 children clamoring around me 7 days a week and a husband that I see frequently and love, I feel lonely and dissatisfied. I feel like something is missing in my life that I'm not finding. Inside of me it feels like something is off or that something is not quite right. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out what sin I could have committed that could cause me to feel this way. I think that part of it is that I feel that I haven't made a big enough impact for God's kingdom. Another part of it, I think is that I don't feel that many people " get " me. I'm not your average gal. I don't like to shop. I don't like meaningless gossip or small talk. I don't like to primp. And although I like to look good, I don't like to spend a lot of time in making myself look this way. Somehow I think that I look better closer to au natural than with a lot of make up on. Most girls don't like deep discussion- I do. Most girls like their houses decorated " just so " - I wouldn't mind, but it's not a top priority. I like deep and meaningful relationships. The bad thing that I have discovered is that most other people DON'T, especially Christians.

I say especially Christians, because most Christians seem to have this romanticized idea of what their walk with Christ is supposed to be like. For some reason they think that the walk with Christ is supposed to be easy, regardless of the fact that Jesus told that it definitely would NOT be in the Bible. They despise conflict, because conflict in their mind means a lack of unity. In reality, the lack of unity is due to us not knowing each other well and not working through conflict in order to grow. Conflict brings feelings of rejection, anger, and bitterness. But although the feelings are triggered by the other person in the conflict, the reality of it is that they are really OUR feelings. What are we going to do with them? I'll leave that answer to you. So usually deep and meaningful relationships eventually bring conflict. And since they don't want conflict, they really don't want relationship. And since the body of Christ is supposed to be ALL ABOUT relationship and they don't want it, where does that put the body of Christ?

On my status on Facebook today I put this:

Accepted in the beloved unfortunately isn't as true as accepted by the Beloved. Jesus said that they would know us by our love and I think that overall " the beloved " is failing miserably in this. What will it take to change it?

So, if Christians don't like to take the time for meaningful relationships because they don't like the way conflict makes them feel, what does that make them? It makes them selfish. (I'm including myself in this, because although I'm trying hard to be accepting now, I don't always do it right!) And if they are selfish that makes them a lover of themselves. They are more concerned with how life affects them than how THEY CAN AFFECT LIFE! This is totally the opposite of what Christ has called us to.

To sum up, feelings mean something. But it is what we do with our feelings that make us into what we are today. If we feel lonely, what will we do to fill the loneliness? If we feel dissatisfied, what will we do to fill it? If we feel angry, what will we do with our anger? If we feel bitter, will we try to figure out why or bury it and pretend that we aren't? In order to grow we NEED conflict, (or as some people call it " drama " and of course, there is moderation in that,) and we need to ask questions when we get these feelings. We can't pretend that they don't exist. That is called being delusional when we mask over our feelings and wounds. In essence, it's a lie! I'm being strong here and I'm sure that I may have offended some sensibilities. What are you going to do with these feelings? Are you going to reject me in order to discredit what I say and never change? Are you going to act like I am the problem and that they feelings that my words have brought up are directly resulting from me? Or are you going to figure out that those are YOUR feelings and that you probably should investigate why you are feeling that way? There has been too much pampering and not enough questioning in the body of Christ lately. So I'm going to post this again and leave it at that:

Accepted in the beloved unfortunately isn't as true as accepted by the Beloved. Jesus said that they would know us by our love and I think that overall " the beloved " is failing miserably in this. What will it take to change it?

Article submitted Tuesday, March 30, 2010 & read 172 times.

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» left by Linda DeWitt (1 year 220 days ago.)

Great article Erisa. It shows you have great strength of character and a great love for God. May you keep on keeping on. I have found that most people cannot or will not face themselves to the degree that is necessary to acquire the ability to say yes selfishness is the root of all my problems.
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» left by Anonymous (1 year 220 days ago.)

Thank you Linda! :) I kind of think that there will come a time when all of us will be forced to come to terms with what is truly inside of us. I guess that I'd rather have a head start on it. :)

Erisa

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